Sometimes I think there’s something wrong with me, a kink in my wiring, a snag in my circuit board. I don’t need to recharge, I need a refit or a replacement. A good rewiring. In my head, it’s over and done. All those months ago when I said those words, ‘I want a divorce’? To me, that signalled ‘the end’. Draw a line, it’s over.
I don’t need time to think about it, nothing will change. Is that wrong? Why can’t we ‘try to work on things’? What things? I don’t get it. I feel like I’ve said what I need to. I feel like it’s obvious there is nothing to change, no going back. Back to what? Disinterest? Disillusion? No thanks.
So, in my head, I’m moving on. In reality, not so much. His denial is … troublesome. In keeping things as normal as possible for the kids, there is the appearance of a relationship that is not real. As an example, during the weekly shopping outing he acts … propriety towards me. Everything is ‘we’ and ‘us’. In essence, there has been no change in his behaviour. He tries to present a ‘happy family’ while I strive for a ‘polite friends’ vibe. Then when I get annoyed by his act, he gets angry at my honesty. At least we save that for when the kids are asleep.
I don’t know what the answer is but it obviously is not as easy as I would like it to be. My messed up mind thinking we could be civil and kind to each other during this separation, while we’re forced to share a house, share space? Like I said, a kink in my wiring. And it’s irreparable.