Jay: Are you around? Just broke up with Roxie and could use a friend.

I was a good friend. I really was. Need a lift somewhere? I can drive you. Going out of town? I can water the plants and collect your mail. Want to surprise someone with a ridiculously hard to hide gift? I can hide it for you.

Need me to hold your hand while you tell me how heart broken you are? I’m not sure I can do that.

Need me to look into your eyes and tell you everything will be okay, the right girl is out there waiting for you? I don’t think I can do that either.

Need me to be let you hold me while you fall asleep because you don’t want to be alone? I can’t do that.

I wish I were strong enough. I wish  could be the friend he needed.

I couldn’t pretend to be sad for him when all I felt was joy.

I couldn’t tell him there was someone better for him when I was standing before him, wishing he would see me.

I couldn’t let him hold me, wishing I was someone else, when all I wanted was for him to want me.

I couldn’t change the way he felt about me, but I could control how much I saw him I could stop torturing myself with being so close to him while at the same time, so far from what I wanted. I could stop being there for him to save myself from any more heartache.

What other choice did I have? Enjoy his company and his time until the next woman came along and took him from me? Should I stockpile memories of him, steal as many hugs as I could, as many casual touches? Was I a glutton for punishment or just a Jay junkie?

With a heavy heart I tapped out a reply. I knew cold turkey was the only way to do this.

Me: Sorry to hear! Are you okay? I’m out and not alone, catch up soon?

His response came in almost immediately.

Jay: I’ll be fine. See you soon babe xx

I sent back a smiley face and a thumbs up emoticon then hit play on the remote in my hand. On the screen Mary Stuart Masterson was putting diamonds in her ears and Eric Stolz was telling her she looked good wearing his future. If only real life came with such a happy ending.

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