As Jay lay beside me, his hands stacked behind his head my mind raced. I wished I could see him better but at the same time was glad to hide in the dim light. He wanted me? Okay his erection wasn’t something he could fake and I had to believe what he said but…
“What does this mean?” I asked hesitantly.
“What does it mean?” He gave a short laugh. “Fuck Dee. It means I think you’re gorgeous and smart and unfuckingbelievably sexy.”
“Yeah but…” I gave a little growl of frustration and he laughed again. “What now Jay, now you’ve said this, what do you want to happen?”
“Talk about a loaded question,” he muttered then shifted to his side again. He lifted his hand to my face and I sucked in a breath as he rubbed his thumb across my lower lip. “I want to kiss these luscious lips then I want to fuck you until you scream my name,” he said his voice low and rough.
That was a hell of a plan and a very big part of me was tempted to let him do just that. “As nice as that sounds.” Nice? Understatement of the year right there. “What then Jay?”
He groaned and rolled onto his back, leaving me missing his touch. “Fuck Dee. Do it again and again. And again. Baby,” he said on a heavy sigh. “I honestly hadn’t thought that far ahead. I didn’t expect to be having this conversation.”
Him and me both. My heart was pounding, my mind racing with what ifs.
“Look Dee, I know you just like you know me. I’m Mr Commitment, you’re Ms Independent, we’re not really compatible long term but right now, after the fiasco with Roxie? Maybe I need a bit of time not being that guy looking for the one. Because even when I say I’m only looking for fun, we know I’m looking for more.”
For someone who hadn’t thought very far ahead, he sure seemed to have a lot to say, and not all of it good. I had to swallow down the lump in my throat to answer. “So you’re not looking for a relationship, the future Mrs Bliss then?”
“From you?” He laughed roughly. “Hell no baby, I know better than to think that.”
Right. That was me, never looking for a commitment. Everyone knew that. Everyone assumed it was because of my parents. They were amazing, loved each other deeply, almost obsessively. I’d grown up feeling like I was intruding on them a lot of the time. I knew that they loved me and they had done their best by me, but their love was so all consuming, it left little room for a child. So my friends thought that was why I avoided relationships. Better that than the truth that I was too hung up on Jay to consider anyone else.
“What do you want from me then Jay? A purely physical relationship, no commitment or caring?” I laughed softly. “I don’t think you have it in you.”
“That’s the thing Dee. I do care for you, we already have a relationship. You’re my best friend and I love you,” he said intensely and my heart hurt because they were just the words I wanted to hear from him. Not quite the right context.
“I love you too Jay,” I whispered and slid across the few inches that separated us to rest my head on his shoulder and place my hand over his pounding heart. “I don’t want to lose our friendship over a passing physical attraction.”
“Ah baby.” He moved his arm to wrap around my shoulders and hugged me for a second as he pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Nothing passing about it, I’ve wanted you for years.”
My brain stuttered at that revelation. “Jay! What the hell?” I laughed in shock.
“What?” I couldn’t see him but his grin was in his voice. “I’m not blind, you’re gorgeous and smart and sexy.” His shoulders moved in a shrug. “Come on, don’t tell me you haven’t checked out Mitch or Adrian and thought the same,” he chided.
“And you,” I admitted softly.
“Dee!” He mimicked me with a chuckle. “I’m shocked.”
“What?” I huffed. “I’m not blind either. And, your girlfriends loved to tell me all about how good you were in the bedroom.”
“Fuck, sorry,” he said with a laugh, not sounding sorry at all. “So did they sell me?”
As if they had to? I couldn’t believe we were having this discussion. “Meh. I’ve heard better,” I teased.
“Really? I’d be happy to offer a demonstration so you can judge for yourself.” His voice went low and dark, tempting me when I should know better.
Could I do the ‘friends with benefit’ thing with Jay then let him go, watch him fall in love and move on with someone else? The lump in my throat and the pain in my heart said no but my body said hell yes. Take what he was offering, for as long as it was on offer then walk away. Because I knew that I couldn’t go there with Jay then watch him with someone else. If we did this, I’d be losing my best friend.
“I wont lie to you Jay, I’m tempted,” I admitted and he went still. The fingers that had been tracing an idle pattern on my shoulder going still. The silence throbbed between us, heavy with possibilities.
“But?” he prompted, his voice almost guttural.
So many buts. But what will I do without you. But what will I do when you break my heart. “But what if we can’t do this and be friends still. I don’t want to lose you.”
He let out the breath he’d been holding and squeezed my shoulder again. “I hear you baby. All I can tell you is that it wont change the way I feel about you. Maybe I could…”
He shifted and I found myself on my back with Jay looming over me. “Tempt you,” he finished and his lips brushed across mine softly. “Offer you a sample.” A caress over my cheek. “So to speak,” he breathed the words against my cheek and my breath shuddered out.
“Jay?” I wasn’t sure what I was asking then his tongue brushed my ear lobe and I couldn’t think, his mouth was open and hot against my neck, then he bit me. “Oh fuck,” I breathed and he sucked and I moaned and somehow he had his thigh between mine and I was grinding against him, my hands were in his hair and I might have been begging.
“I got you baby.” He trailed butterfly kisses up to my lips then teased me with his teeth, sucked my lower lip then scraped his jaw along mine. “Just a taste.” He bit my ear lobe then his mouth was on my neck again, lips and teeth and tongue and he was as good as all of his girlfriends had said he was.
“Jay,” I gasped his name and pulled his hair, trying to escape the pressure and wanting his mouth on mine. He growled and sucked harder as he moved over me, his hips sliding between my thighs like they were meant to be there, his erection pressing against me perfectly. One of his hands tangled in my hair, the other slid to grip my behind, and he bit down on my neck and rocked against me and it was too much, too good. Pleasure cascaded through me as my hips arched and Jay pushed back, holding me down as he ground himself against me.
“Fuck, Dee, so good baby,” he gasped against my throat and then his weight was on me, his arms wrapped around me, his breath hot against my throat.
I pried my fingers out of his hair to stroke down his shoulders and rest on his back as my own breath settled. Part of me was still struggling to believe that this had really happened but the proof was between us.
“That was a hell of a sample,” I said softly, and he made a humming noise of agreement but didn’t move. “Jay?” I tugged on his hair and made him lift his head.
The room had gotten lighter and though I still couldn’t see him clearly enough, I did see the flash of his grin. “I haven’t done that since high school,” he said wryly. “Sorry about the mess babe.”
“I’m flattered,” I said with my own grin and it felt comfortable and right and I thought maybe we could do this. Maybe it wouldn’t change everything.
“So I think we’ve proven we have chemistry. What do you think? We can be as discrete as you want us to be, no one else has to know.”
“Right.” Discrete, casual, fuck buddies. That’s what we were talking about. We’d both just come and he hadn’t even kissed me, we didn’t warrant that level of intimacy. Laying there in my damp panties with Jay’s cum warm between us, I felt cold and sad. I couldn’t fool myself into thinking this was the beginning of a relationship, I had to be realistic. I had to really consider the consequences and make a decision and I needed space to do that. I pushed at Jay’s shoulders and he rolled away from me, collapsing on his back beside me with a grunt.
“I need some time to think about it,” I said as I rose and swung my legs over the side of the bed. “I’m going to get cleaned up then I’ll go.”
I didn’t wait for a response, I grabbed my jeans off the floor and rushed into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I switched on the light then stared at the woman in the mirror. Flushed cheeks, hair all messed up, love bites on her neck. Just looking at the marks Jay had left sent a fissure of heat through me. Ridiculous. I poked my tongue out at myself then got busy cleaning up. I stepped out of my panties and wrapped them in a tissue then slid them into the pocket of my jeans. I wiped my shirt off the best that I could, grateful it would still be dark when I left, then I used Jay’s brush to straighten my hair and splashed cold water on my cheeks. Nothing I could do about the love bites but I was good enough to get home.
I opened the door to an empty bedroom but the glow of the kitchen light told me where Jay would be. I walked out and went straight to the couch, sitting down to put my shoes on then grabbed my bag and took a couple of steps towards the front door. A throat being cleared stopped me in my tracks and I turned my head towards the sound.
Jay was leaning against the counter in just his jeans, his arms crossed over his chest, his eyes hooded. He tilted his head to the side and arched a brow at me. “You’re leaving.”
“It’s late.” I shrugged nervously “Or early. Either way. I need to get home.”
He stared at me for a long moment then he nodded. “Okay. I’ll come around later today then.”
Today? No, I needed more time! “Um, actually I have plans,” I lied, looking anxiously at the door.
“Dee I’m not staying away for two weeks like last time,” he warned and I looked back to find him glaring at me.
“It wont be, it’s just… please Jay, I need some time to think about everything.” I was starting to sound panicked and that was the last thing I wanted. I made myself relax and smile. “No one makes good decisions at five in the morning.
He softened, his arms dropping to his side, his hands resting at his hips. He was a sight with his muscled chest, broad shoulders, and stubbled chin. All I wanted to do was let him wrap me in his arms talk me into doing whatever he wanted. Which was exactly why I had to leave.
“Coffee tomorrow morning?” I offered casually, like my heart wasn’t trying to beat it’s way out of my chest and throw itself at him.
“Okay baby, see you then.” he agreed softly.
He stood there and watched me leave, knowing better than to suggest I needed him to get me home safely, so I walked out alone. That was me, so mired in my independence no one thought I needed anything, not even love.