Jay had turned me to mush. My body, my mind. My mouth. Three orgasms in thirty minutes would do that to a person I guessed, make them accidentally vocalise their thoughts. At least I hadn’t professed my love I thought with a laugh then I heard my own voice as if from a distance.

“Geez Jay, if that’s the boyfriend experience, sign me up.”

He made a low pleased humming noise then said, “Any time baby.”

Apparently my mind to mouth filter was still out of commission though, the post orgasmic buzz making me feel almost drunk. “Seriously,” I said as my eyes drifted closed. “If that’s how you treat them, why do they ever leave you?”

That made him laugh and me grin as I laid there recovering, covered in sweat and… other sticky substances.

“I guess they didn’t all appreciate me like you do baby,” he said with a smile in his voice.

I scoffed at that. “What’s not to appreciate?” Oh, I’d said that out loud? “Your good looks, your charm, the dirty sex, your amazing apartment, you family connections.” I listed idly, lifting a finger with each one.

“Brat.” Jay’s hand grabbed mine and a second later he was looming over me.

“Oh my god,” I gasped, my eyes popping open in shock as his hard cock nudged against me.

“Nah it’s just me,” he grinned as he pushed in slowly.

***

I woke to the scent of coffee and baked goods, my hair a wild tangle since I hadn’t taken the time to dry it after the shower I’d shared with Jay. Who was I kidding? I hadn’t had the energy to do anything after that shower. I’d adjusted my ‘boyfriend experience’ description to ‘honeymoon experience’ since Jay had been insatiable, much as I imagined an eager groom would be.

The bed dipped before I could pry my eyes open and I felt Jay’s heat surround me as his lips brushed over my bare shoulder.

“Mmm, morning,” I said quietly, my eyes still firmly closed. “You made coffee.”

“Well I got coffee,” he corrected. “I went to that bakery you like.”

“My hero.” I sighed, happy yet not, wishing for more, for this every day.

“Any time you want to sit up you can have some,” Jay said teasingly and he moved away from me, presumably to get the coffee. “Dee,” he prompted a moment later and I scowled.

“Soon,” I muttered, “Tired.” Which I was since he’d kept me up half the night but it was more than that. With my eyes closed I could pretend that this was real, lazy mornings in bed together, him running out to get my favourite coffee and bagels, me exhausted by him, half asleep as he returned. Wouldn’t it be nice…

“Guess that’s my fault,” Jay’s voice sounded slightly smug, I could picture his smirk as he settled next to me on the bed, his thigh pressing against my shoulder. “Listen Dee, about that boyfriend experience-”

“Seriously,” I interrupted in surprise. He was unbelievable! I was tired and a little sore but… “Maybe after I’ve had some coffee,” I hedged.

“I’m good but… pretty sure you drained me dry baby,” he said with a chuckle. “Give me a little recovery time.”

Give him? Like it had been my idea! “You’re the one who mentioned it,” I said in a huff, glad I hadn’t opened my eyes so I didn’t know if it was light enough for him to see the flush on my cheeks.

His voice cautious he said, “Well actually, I wanted to discuss the boyfriend thing.”

Silence hung between us as I let his words sink in. Possibilities fluttered through my mind but none of them seemed right, so I asked, “What about it?”

“I ah, was thinking, we could ah… fuck it!” He laughed, a sort of choked off not funny laugh then swore under his breath.

My eyes opened in a  hurry and I twisted to my side to see him with his head tilted back, a coffee dangling in one hand while the other covered his mouth.

“Jay?” He shifted enough to look at me and I realised it was light enough for him to see my blush and me to see the frown that had his brows dipping low. “Just say it. Whatever it is. It can’t be that bad can it?”

His shoulders lifted as he sighed then dropped his hand to tuck some loose strands of hair back behind my ear. “It might be.” He shrugged. “All depends on you.”

I waited as his mouth opened then closed again before he groaned and slapped his hand over his eyes. I’d never seen Jay like this before, uncertain, nervous even, and it was freaking me out a little.

“You want to do the boyfriend thing again?” I ventured, my voice as uncertain as his face. “Stay over?”

He didn’t move as he answered. “No. Well yes, but no, more.”

An image flashed behind my eyes, Jay over me telling me he wanted more.

“More?” I repeated dumbly.

“The boyfriend experience.” My words on his lips but he still wasn’t looking at me. “Or in my case the girlfriend experience. I want that.”

“That?” What was that? I hadn’t been a girlfriend in years. But I had been around a lot of them I realised. “So you want… a few bad dates, sleep overs, fights, make up sex, then we break up?”

Yes I was being glib, but what was my alternative? Imagine what it would be like to actually be Jay’s girlfriend? I’d done that, had the bruised heart to prove it so no thanks.

That was when Jay decided to look at me again, his eyes intense, his jaw hard. “Would it be so bad? Dating me?”

I wanted to joke but he was serious. Why was he serious? What happened to our arrangement? Why was he torturing me like this? I shook my head but smiled, tried to reassure him. “You’re great at all that, but I don’t date,” I shrugged casually even as my mind raced. Then a thought occurred and I frowned. “If you… is this to cover up?”

“Cover up?” he repeated, his expression giving me no clues as to what he was thinking.

“Like the comment I made to Adrian and Tam about changing. Are you thinking we could pretend to date so everyone stops pressuring you about dating?”

He stared at me for a long moment and I wondered when he’d become so inscrutable. “What if I was?”

I was flooded with despair, sorrow. A game, he was proposing a farce, a sham. The sound that emerged from my throat was almost a laugh. “As if anyone would believe we were dating.” I looked away from Jay, blinked desperately to get rid of the stupid tears that had shown up and spotted my silk robe on the floor. I snagged it and quickly sat up to pull it on.

“Why not?”

His question was casual and I glanced back over my shoulder but he was staring at the cup in his hand.

“You and me?” I shook my head and a word echoed in my mind. “Ridiculous,” I whispered.

“What?” His hand brushed my back but right now I couldn’t take it, the promise of what would never be mine, and I stood up quickly, stepping out of his reach.

“Everyone knows you’re looking for the one you know? And I’m…” I was what? What lie did I want to tell this time.

“It’s okay baby.” Jay moved lithely off the bed. “I know I’m not your type.”

He walked by without looking at me so he didn’t see my jaw drop in surprise at his comment.

“What does that mean?” I followed him out to the table where he had the food spread out and coffee waiting for me.

“Huh?” He looked up from the plate he was preparing with a distracted frown. “You date blondes. Gotta admit I was surprised you even went for this whole friend’s with benefits thing with me.”

“Were you?” I said as I picked up my coffee and took a sip.

“Mmm.” He didn’t look up as he smeared cream cheese on a bagel. “I only gave it a shot since Mark broke your streak there.”

Gave it a shot. Broke my streak. Bile rose in my throat as a scenario formed in my mind. Jay at loose ends, wanting a break from dating, thinking Dee’s available and she doesn’t date anyway so why not give it a shot.

“Well, there you have it,” I said cheerfully. “Proof positive that no one would believe you and I were dating. I’m not your type, you’re not my type. Hell I don’t even fucking date so what a joke it would be.”

By the look on Jay’s face I might have been yelling by the end of my statement but I couldn’t be sure. It was hard to hear over the pounding of my heart, the rushing of my blood through my veins. I felt like I was going to explode.

“Dee,” he said hesitantly, cautiously, concerned. I had to pull myself together.

I managed to laugh and choke out an apology. “Sorry. I guess I’m more tired than I realised. I’m going to…” I gestured in the direction of my room and set the coffee down. “Thanks for breakfast. You can let yourself out.”

“Sure,” he agreed but I was already walking away.

I pushed my bedroom door half way shut as I sat on the edge of the bed and listened to Jay move around. I heard the jingle of keys and then the creak of the couch and pictured him sitting down to pull on his boots. The the soft thuds of his footsteps as he crossed to the door and left without saying anything.

I wandered back out to the table to find he’d packed the food up but hadn’t taken it with him. I sat down and selected a pastry from the bag and pulled off a bite. It was delicious, flaky and light, but I ate it with little enthusiasm. I should be enjoying it and my coffee while Jay and I chatted and laughed and planned to spend the day together.

I tried not to remember that for one shining moment, I’d thought he was really asking me to be his girlfriend, then we could have been planning a date. Wouldn’t it be nice…

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